Lord, the Google hits I'll get with this one.

So, I went to a bachelorette party over the weekend. Highlights included:

-the little presentation from the sex-toy lady, who thankfully did not have tinted glasses or pat her stomach. Thank you, sex toy lady. She did, however, want us to taste all of her weird flavored products. This resulted in a large circle of about 20 women, all licking their inner arms. Yes. I looked around at one point, and started giggling, probably because I was very drunk and licking my arm, but also because we looked like cats. Meow.

-one attendee's testament to the fabulous "Coochy Shave Cream" being sold at the party. I wish I were making up the name, but that is actually what was printed on the bottle. Lovely, yes? Anyway, she kept going on and on about it: "I use it to shave my legs! It's just like conditioner!" I asked her if she had ever thought of just using conditioner to shave with (like, 99-cent Suave, instead of "Coochy Shave Cream," which is FOURTEEN DOLLARS and SAYS COOCHY ON THE BOTTLE), and she was dumbfounded. I think I blew her mind, for real.

-Speaking of funny packaging, most of the products, no matter how weird or possibly embarrassing to look at, at least attemted to be discreet in their labeling. "Coochy" was written in a nice, scripty font at least. But one product, a lube if you will, cracked me up, along with Merry and Stephanie (or maybe they were laughing at me for making an ass of myself, I don't know).

Anal Eaze, every body. That was the product. This would seem like something you'd want written in very tiny, grey letters, if labeled at all. No, no. On the white tube were the angriest, biggest, RED letters they could cram onto it, just screaming, "I LIKE IT UP THE ASSSSSSS! ARRRGGHHHHH!"

Jesus, I don't even want to think about the Google hits, I'll get from that.

-And finally, the last highlight of the evening, the entertainment. The exotic performer, if you will. I know these guys often show up to parties in a police uniform, right? To be all, "Ladies,we've received some noise complaints" and all that? Well, this guy had on sort of police-y pants, but his shirt was a black shirt, with a v-neck that was much too large and gay, and written across it in big white letters was "POLICE." Okay. Great costume, buddy. You really had us all fooled for a minute.

Mr. Entertainer proceeded to remove his very convincing uniform to reveal--wait for it--TIGER STRIPED SPANDEX CHAPS (yeah, I don't even know what that was about), which kept FALLING DOWN, and not on purpose, and also some sort of non-matching, coral-colored, BEDAZZLED thong. Right. I was pretty out of it, but I'm pretty sure there were also tall boots involved?

Anyway, I just sort of huddled in a corner and gave my dollar bills to the more enthusiastic girls, the ones who were less in awe/fear of the tiger print than I was. Some of them appeared to have a good time with assless-tiger-pants man.

That's about all I remember from the little soiree.


I'm counting down to vacation, y'all. So I'm pretty much worthless today at work (even though I have a week's worth of crap to get done in one day).

We can't really check in to the beach house until sometime Thursday morning, so I was pushing for driving all night on Wednesday night. No one else shares my enthusiasm for this. Mom and Laura would rather leave early Thursday morning. That would be fine, except my childhood is filled with memories of waiting around the house, waiting hours for my mom to get ready before we could ever actually go anywhere.

Add that to the other memories, the ones of sitting in school parking lots, trying to ignore looks from teachers (usually sort of a mixture of annoyance and sympathy), and you can see why I'm a little antsy. I don't want my vacation to be jeopardized by how many times Mom goes back into her house to make sure the coffemaker has been unplugged. It's too risky.

But, all that worrying aside, I'm really excited to get away for a couple days. Seth and I are still hoping to take a vacation alone together, but this vacation is almost free (yay, little sister's rich friend's parents!), and it will be nice to spend time with my family that doesn't involve shoveling or painting or cleaning or boxing up old junk.

Ta ta for now. More when I get back from vacation.

emiloo at 1:55 p.m.