Dawgs and Pinecones

Random stories from the last couple weeks, mostly because I've been too lazy to type them up until now:

1. Last Wednesday, uh Thanksgiving Eve (?), a bunch of us gathered at the little "British" pub about thirty minutes outside of town. To be fair, actual British people own it, so it's not as hokey as you might think. I actually love it. Pot pie = mmmm.

Anyway, we met up for a couple rounds of trivia and lots of beer (four day weekends make a very happy, and often quite drunk, person). A little before the second round started, a drunk couple stumbled up behind the table where I was sitting. I couldn't see them without turning around and being obvious, but I could hear them, feel the drunk lady's leg kicking my coat off the back of my seat, and also, um, smell them.

My friends seated across the table could see this couple behind me. I could only hear are there drunken mumblings. Nicole said from across the table, "Emily, you might want to move, because the throw-up is about to come out, and it's either going to land on your back or down that lady's shirt."

I moved.

Finally, I could see this lovely couple. Mid-forties, eyes half-closed from the drunkenness, swaying back and forth. The lady kept falling asleep, at which point the man would get angry: "What're YOU doin'? You thank yer pretty slick, don'che? I oughta bust yer mouth." Then, she would wake up, and he would become apologetic: "Aw, I'm sorry. I shouldn'ta said that."

This went on for several rounds. At one point I looked over and they were slow dancing. Please note: there was no music playing. During one of the lady's sleeping spells, her head ended up in the man's lap. He felt the need to announce to everyone that "She must be tryin' to wake it up." It being his penis, I suppose. Lovely. Thank you, sir.

Finally, a concerned pub-goer walked up to them and offered them a ride home, to which the drunk man replied, "Aw, that's nice of you, but that ain't the way we go. We're gonna head on over to the Turtle, get us a couple more beers, go on over to Waffle House and get us something to eat, then go home and fuck like dogs."

Actually, it was a little bit more like, "Fuck lak DAWGS."

The man who had offered the ride was apparently a little taken aback by this, because drunk man was all, "Hey, buddy, I'm sorry, but I'm just tellin' the truth, you know?"

Good times.

2. I am usually pretty good about avoiding those awful "parties" at which everyone is forced to buy something. I get invited to Pampered Chef parties far too often, and I never go. I usually use the gym as an excuse. If I was at the gym as much as I tell the crazy party-people I am, I would look like Britney effing Spears.

Anyway, a friend in my new neighborhood hosted a Southern Living At Home party. Good God, I know. But, her husband is friends with my husband, she's actually a pretty cool girl, and I wanted to be sociable in the new 'hood. So I went.

Basically, they sell crap that you could buy at Old Time Pottery for $5, but they mark it up to $75. To justify this, they'll think of random alternate uses for everything, which makes for some fabulous interactive games.


Party lady, holding up a cakestand--"This looks like a cakestand, but can anyone think of other uses for it?"

Party lady waits, in silence, as everyone stares blankly at her. Someone mumbles, "Candles."

"YES! What a fanTAStic idea! I like to arrange candles and pinecones on mine and sprinkle glitter on them! ELEGANT!! Now (holding up a bowl. A fucking ceramic BOWL) what about this pottery? What are some creative ways to use this pottery (BOWL)."

I resist the urge to yell out, "Pour some cereal in it? And eat out of it?"

To break the freaky silence, someone whispers something about candles again, hoping that this answer works for all of the crap this lady is hawking.

"Well, I'm sure you COULD incorporate candles into it! It's great for DECOR!!! I put pinecones in it! (Dude, enough with the pinecones already) You can also TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN and PUT A PLATE ON IT to CREATE DIFFERENT HEIGHTS in your table arrangement. You can put ROLLED UP TOWELS in it and set it in your guest bathroom. There are so many uses for this!"

Please note, it's a fucking bowl. And you can also eat cereal out of it. Oh, and it's about thirty dollars. For a bowl.

See why I'm no fun at parties?

Unfortunately, I won some stupid door prizes. Two of them, and they only gave away three total. I felt like I couldn't just hightail it out of there with my free shit, so I had to BUY something. The cheapest "decor" was like, a thirty dollar set of salt and pepper shakers, so I just bought some cookbooks. Please let me know if you think of any alternate uses for them, particularly if they involve pinecones or candles.

emiloo at 12:28 p.m.